Just say NO!

**UPDATE: 1/1/06: FYI...those people never called and of course never showed case all of you were wondering...

Sorry all, I would have loved to have posted a very special rant I had all about Laura Ingalls being a brazen hussy...but when I went to my very expensive computer at has decided not to work. I know I complain a lot...but when you spend money on something, especially something that is allegedly technically's hard for me to understand why day after day it decides whether or not it's going to work...or whether it will lay there like a slug. Right now it's just decided to be a pain in my ass. I was absolutely infuriated trying to figure it out last's just a waste of money. And then I have to come and freeze my rump off over at my dad's computer that is located right above the garage. My fingers are white already!

My parents are currently waiting for some friends to come over...I feel bad because this happens all the time. These people say they are going to show, or make plans with my parents and then never turn up. The worst part is that my parents prepare and do all sorts of things to be hospitible to them...and they do it every time! Then the fools not only don't show...but never call to say they aren't coming. That's just rude to me. If you can't make it...have the decency to call. There's never an emergency...they're just obnoxious. I've said it for a long time...if you don't want to do something...JUST SAY NO! Be a human being and have some decency for people who bust their ass trying to accomadate you. If you're tired, or don't have the money, or just don't feel like it...I think it's entirely more humaine to just say no and get it overwith. Instead my dad is running around like Cinderella on crack, and Mary's playing the MacGyver version of Rachel Ray trying to get as many things ready as possible with only a can of green olives, a matchstick, some tiny hot dogs, some dynamite, and mayonnaise! Seriously, remember this next time someone asks you to do something you really have no intention of doing!

That's all for now...I've promised miss Margaret a rousing game of Scene It: Harry Potter. Be's okay...I'll play with you if you ask me. And if I don't feel like it when you do...I'll just say no!


Things that make me go Hmmmm...

*Why will I continue to pay $1.19 (deposit included) for a 20 oz soda (sometimes more than once daily), yet balk at paying $1.49 for soda when I'm in a grocery store?
*Why are there so many songs about rainbows, and what exactly IS on the other side?
*Why does Disney keep their good movies in a vault so when they are released people will purchase them and sell them for 5 times as much on Ebay? Is it really helping Disney make more money (like it needs to!)
*Why aren't there any good themesongs on TV anymore? Every show that does have a decent themesong is usually a song you can hear on the radio. What happened to originality?
*What exactly is football all about?
*Why do I have to work?
*Why do we even have money...can't we barter like on Little House?
*Why did Nomar marry Mia Spamm?
*Whatever happened to the Cadbury Wispa bar? And real Bonkers candy?
*Why did Jennifer Garner change her name to Jennifer Affleck? Will Demi Moore become Demi "Kutcher?"
*What happened to the cast of Parker Lewis Can't Lose?
*Why do they continue to make Spam?
*When do we start living in the sky like the Jetsons? Can I get a robot maid now?
*Who let reality TV take over?
*Why is Fox cancelling Arrested Development, but allowing Pamela Anderson to continue with Stacked?
*When are they making a sequel to Napoleon Dynamite?
*How do the fish get in lakes?
*Why do fax machines still exist?
*Will the Red Sox ever give me reason to smile again?
*Why do they call it "the birds and the bees?" That just seems wrong.
*Why can't I fall asleep when I want to...but can't get out of bed in the morning?
*Why hasn't Katie Couric left the Today Show yet?
*Why does my frigging neck still hurt??
*Did you ever notice that 9 times out of 10, when Ben Affleck attends a Red Sox game - the Red Sox lose?
*Why am I still so interested in what goes on in the lives of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon?
*Why doesn't America have mandatory naptime in the middle of the work day?
*Why do people feel slighted if you don't give them a Hallmark card?
*Who gave Tyra Banks not one , but TWO awful shows on TV?
*Who decided to send my parents 40 tons of cookies for Christmas?
*Why does it seem like every school's colors are blue and white?
*Why are their still brown m&m's?
*What ever happened to C&C music factory?
...Things that make ME go hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...


Drama at it's BEST: Little House on the Prairie

So tonight there is nothing Alias...Lost is a repeat...Martha Stewart's Apprentice is over...what's a TV addict to do?? TV Land came to my rescue with a dazzling episode of Little House goodness.

The episode was called "The Odyssey." It centered around a character named Dillon, who you know has to be killed off in some way by some awful disease because we've never seen him before but he's best friends with Albert and Laura. Apparently it's Law on the Prairie for children to die of a dispicable illness while their parent (because the other one is usually dead already) has to suffer watching their child die. What actually happens is WE suffer watching the horrible acting the parent displays when they find out the child is sick. The dialogue goes something like this:

Doc Baker: I thought your child had the flu, but after administering many tests which I will charge you for after we've buried him, I find that it's not the's Cloddhoppediverticutosis.

(shoot to the parent who cringes like Doc Baker just ripped a juicy one right in their face and waved it around a bit)
Parent: You must be mistaken, if I take him to Oleson's Mercantile and make a solvent of licorice, turpentine, and mustard...surely he will be cured.

Doc Baker: I'm afraid I've tried that already, he'll need to rinse off in the river on the way home or the stench will kill him quicker.

Parent: But he's just a boy...

Doc Baker: I know, I remember when I delivered him...I celebrated with a quart of moonshine I finagled from my old friend Jesse Duke in Hazzard County.

Parent: But that's a completely different television program!!

Doc Baker: Why you're correct, must be the booze talking. However, it doesn't change the fact that he is gravely ill and will die within this episode. **please see endnote after text**

Yeah, so of course this show had all that...BUT...Charles had to be involved in some's his reasonable! So all this kid Dillon wants is to see the ocean, as he promised his father he would before he died. Dillon, Albert, and Laura take off for Cali...and end up in the thick of some mighty fine television. First they leave a note for Pa to find...wrapped in Carrie's present for her birthday. That stupid kid. She's got maybe 3 lines in the whole series...never has a real storyline because she's too normal to compete with blind Mary, buck-toothed Laura and her gallavanting with Almonso, or Albert...who believe it or not...wonder of wonders...becomes terminally ill later in the series as well. So she starts reading the note, and the threesome are discovered and saught after by Pa...who rents a fast horse and meets up with them at a train station somewhere between Walnut Grove and Cali. Amazing how he came upon the same drifter that got the kids on the box car of the train. It's like an angel was watching over them...or the writer's knew they needed to wrap it up in an hour. Meanwhile, on the train...a bum ends up in the same car as the kids. First he steals all their sandwiches, then attacks Albert and tries to throw him off the train! Laura fights for her brother's life...and pushes the jerk off the train...PUSHES HIM OFF THE TRAIN. Laura has probably just commited murder...and she doesn't think twice about it!! So after getting booted off the train, the kids are found by Charles...just to sneak back on the train...against Pa's better judgement...but come look in Dillon's eyes (he's gone from being fine to being pale and coughing up a lung) and he knows it's the only way. Charles has shown his masterful horseriding abilities...but now it's time to kick it up a notch...Pa style. The guy who booted the kids off the train in the first place, finds them again (because Albert just stole breakfast after he walked on the top of the train like he was training for Mission Impossible) and again tries to give them the heave ho. Sorry pal, this isn't your day...Charles needs to show you and the television audience he's a real he kicks the shite out of you and tells you that he will reimburse the train for the meal Albert made off with. The guy, sullen and bloodied...says "ok," and makes his way out of the box car.

We next see our fantastic four coming out of a mission where they enjoyed some soup. They are in San Fran, and the shoreline is only a few miles away...but Dillon is very weak...if only they could finagle a free ride...but how??? Ding ding ding!! Who but William Randolph Hearst (Newspaperman extraordinaire) shows up in his carriage and mentions that he's going out to the shore to look at some property. Pa uses the sick kid routine to hitch a ride, Hearst says "hurry, I haven't much time." To which Pa retorts "Neither does he." I hope the writers got an emmy for this show...granted...there's not a lot of dialogue because it's mostly crying and awkward looks after finding out someone is dying...but this show is brilliant and deserves high praise. They get to the beach, Hearst pays Pa for the story they have shared with him so he can use it in his papers (and thus they have monetary means to return to Walnut Grove...Yessssssssssssssssss!). Charles...reminding the audience he's a compassionate man...carries weakened, dying Dillon to the sand. Dillon opens his eyes...and starts walking to the he's running...wasn't this kid just DYING?? Shot pans to Laura, Albert, and Charles...all soaked in tears. I'm waiting for Dillon to turn and say "You jerks...I just wanted to go to the beach for free...I'm not really sick at all. HAHAHA!!" But alas, he does not. The camera shows him sillhouetted against the sunlight and the gleaming water...and then he jumps up and down and clicks his heels together. No, I'm not kidding about that...he actually clicked his heels like he was going to Oz. There ends yet another triumph in Little House on the Prairie's divine history. Bravo, Michael Landon...Bravo.

If you tomorrow (Thursday at 8 on TV Land) as the storyline begins of Laura 'becoming a woman' (at 13) and romancing Almonso (age 47) (who she called Manley and I don't understand why), her future husband. Classic awkward Little House...can't wait!!

**endnote: I haven't taken any drugs stronger than ibuprofen today...this, you should know, is all me...sober...and out of my mind:) wouldn't read this if i wasn't!!

The final promised...

I know you'll think some of these are weird choices...especially together...but please remember I'm eating Vicodin like m&m's...and that I'm a weirdo in general.

Silent Night, Deadly Night: A horrible horror movie released in the 80's that lasted a mere 2 weeks in the theaters due to mass amounts of protest from concerned parents. The story goes like this...little boy sees his parents killed brutally by a chump in a Santa Suit...raised in an orphanage by nuns who beat him regularly...grows up and gets a job in a department store where they force him to dress like Santa for the holidays and he snaps and starts killing people whilst dressed like Santa.

Obviously NOT a warm and cozy movie, and not something I recommend watching in the least. It spawned about 30 sequels and believe it or not my cousins and I rented every one of them on a trip to Florida. I haven't wanted to go near a mall Santa since!

#4-Bad Santa (or Badder Santa): Billy Bob plays a liquored up degenerate who, with his trusty elf by his side, plays Santa at a department store in order to case the joint and rob it once closed. The best part of this whole film is "the Kid." Look at his shorts in the picture for crying out could you not love him?! He befriends Billy Bob, believing that this low-life is in fact the real deal. And he loves offering people sandwiches.

#3-It's a Wonderful Life: Back to the sappy stuff...

My mother made us endure watching this movie every year as children. Way back then it was only on once a year on channel 2. There was no colorization, no VHS, no DVD...just a cold winter night and a black and white movie that was amazingly boring!

However, at some point we matured and wanted to watch it over and over again. We hated when it came out in the colorized version...and strangely enough started to actually understand the message it had been casting over us for years. As written in Tom Sawyer, by the Angel Clarence himself: "No man's a failure who has friends." Now we watch it on a cold winter's night, with Kleenex on hand, waiting for Clarence to save the day, and wishing Uncle Billy wasn't such a loser. We wait for Zuzu's petals to be discovered by the transformed George Bailey and for the exclamation "My mouth's bleeding, mouth's Bleedin'!" The story never changes, but I find that every year, it's my favorite movie to wait for!

#2-White Christmas: This is a classic, and despite it's title really only has a short part that has to do with Christmas at all. Two army buddies have ended their service and have decided to go forth and create a musical act between them. They end up in Vermont to stay at their old General's inn which has hit the skids because there's no snow. Obviously they do a big tv show to save the day from the inn...and even manage to rustle up some romantic interests as well. The song "Sisters" is highly annoying...we used to play the movie over and over in the last bookstore I worked...mostly to antagonize one of our favorite employees, Amanda:) It's extremely long, but still manages to make you reach for the leftover Kleenex from It's A Wonderful Life.

#1a-National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation: This has become a classic to me. I laugh at this movie from start to finish...from the moment Audrey's eyeballs are the storm sewer exploding and sending the plastic Santa Sleigh toward the moon...the ridiculousness is just comedy. The most fun I've ever had watching this movie was about a week ago. My mother, exhausted from work and the illness of her mother and the Christmas season in and of itself...was watching with me. The scene where Clark puts the new oil on the sled and zips down the hill caused an eruption of laughter from my mother. I didn't know whether she was laughing or crying...she just howled through the whole thing. I couldn't get her to calm down...and I didn't really want to because I think she just needed the giggle fit!

#1b-Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas:

Your nails won't break and your toes won't stub, You never get a fever when there ain't no hole in the washtub!

This may be the quintessential Christmas movie. Themed by the Gift of the Magi, a troupe of muppets make the scene. This was shown a lot on HBO, and when we didn't have sister and I watched it "through the squiggles." Emmet and his Ma are poor little otters, who do what they can to make ends meet. Christmas will be especially difficult, but the chance of winning a talent show may change that. Each enters, and trades something important to make it into the contest. It's sickly sweet, and the songs are cheesy...but it's freaking awesome regardless. It's now available on DVD, but I don't recommend it being purchased that way because of some copyright laws Kermit does not appear as the narrator. He's only in it a little bit, probably because none of the other characters are familiar muppets...but he's necessary. I also have it on VHS...with Kermit. If you do get the chance to see's totally not worth missing!

So that's the end of my "a-day" rants for this year. I've gotten some feedback and know that there are some suggestions floating around for more blog material...I'm sure I'll keep you buggers satiated on my goings on for some time to come! Thanks for tuning in and pretending to care about what I have to say:) Happy New Year, everyone!!


Sunshine and lollipops...Laura Ingalls and melted Flip-Flops...

A quaint winter scene my mother put together in her picture window using pieces from the Chrismas Tree Shops collection. The tree was donated, and made by me. I showed Bobby this picture and he thought I went to Santa's Village. That's probably the only reason I've featured this picture. Wow, I'm a jerk.

Good evening ladies and gents! I do hope your Christmas was as Merry as mine, although I'm sure only 35% of you had merriment due to drug inducement (like me).

Yesterday we went to see my grandmother in the hospital, and she is doing very well. It was really good to see her, my heart breaks for her right now. She insists that she will never pick up another cigarette...and I hope that's true. She's in good spirits, and had us in stitches talking about her doctor "Joe Personality," or as the nurses call him "Smiles." She has fallen into that category of older people who like to tell you way to much about procedures done to them...but she's also great for gossip about the other folks in the ICU. Not that we know them, but the fact that she's alert enough to gather the 411 for us makes me very happy.

I will warn you that I am typing under the influence. If this blog doesn't make sense...too bad. My poor cousins were unfairly subjected to my ramblings last night. I'm 70% percent sure that I may have fallen asleep a few times during our chit chat. After reading my cousin Nancy's blog about last night's conversations of Little House on the Prairie (a family FAVORITE), as well as a good jaunt into our childhood as we reminisced about "Big Flame" and Bobby in a Superman outfit...I remember some of it...but not all. I know I laughed quite a bit though, per usual with the lot of my dad's side of the family.

This year my immediate family decided (due to the impending nuptuals of my sister this summer) that we would do a "grab" and put a $50 limit on the gift. I will say this is the first Christmas that I am not losing sleep over bills to pay (I'm losing sleep over the pain in my back...but not as much thanks to the spiffy meds). At any rate, I got my dad, who is historically the least easy person to shop this entire universe. He likes things that are practical, which is fine. Usually one of us ends up in tears because we thought we'd found "the gift" that would make his Christmas. I'm not kidding...the phrase "I hate this" has been uttered more than one crusty Christmas morn. The grab actually worked to my advantage because he told my mother exactly what he wanted (some ridiculous air pump thingy that (no pun intended) he was "pumped" to recieve) and that's what I bought him. Just to kick it up a notch I assembled a fleece blanket for him with the Red Sox symbol all over it. Amazingly enough-he loved it. Now don't be down on my dad...I don't want you to think he's a tyrant (a la the Burgermeister Meisterburger in Santa Claus is Coming to Town) and hates all things Christmas. He's a good guy-and gave Peggy one of the best gifts she's ever recieved. If you guessed a muzzle, you're wrong. He got her the Scene It game, Harry Potter Edition. I just played with her, and she's really good at it. My sister Elizabeth got me and knitted me a beautiful blue scarf (I hear through the grapevine that there's a hat to go with it but she thinks I would think it's ridiculous...and didn't send it to complete the set...rude!), a Napoleon Dynamite keychain, and the first season of the Gilmore Girls on DVD...VERY kind!! I have one more day on required meds, so tomorrow will be the Gilmore marathon. (An aside note, at some point Christmas morning - around 4 am - I woke up and put on the Gilmore Girls from my DVR...the one where Rory dresses up like Donna Reed for Dean...don't ask. At any rate, when I woke up at 8:30 the thing was still on...I guess it repeats over and over again if you don't give it direction. I thought I was just dreaming about the Gilmore Girls...and believe it or not...that scared me. Though I am concerned about the fact that I'm listening to the show to get to sleep!)

All in all it was a pretty fab day. I didn't get to see my cousin Lauren and her family, and this was the first Christmas without Elizabeth...and yes, I believe it was a bummer. But maybe next year she'll get to come and play in Maine...or we'll go back to Florida. I have to say that I love getting together with my family, and I may bitch and moan when the idea comes to light...but in the end I always leave happy and looking forward to the next edition of watching the traditional, critically acclaimed, video of my grandparent's 50th anniversary with the infamous "jump rope burn of Bobby scene," or a rousing round of "Remember when Nelly married Percival and they had the twins (the original Bennifer), or when Laura was 19 months pregnant and Almonso was on some mission with Pa and the land was going through a drought and Laura had to water the crops or they'd lose everything for sure and she ended up dehydrating and Doc Baker made Mrs. Olsen give him the giant blocks of ice to cure her on Little House on the Prairie" game with my other cousins. It may be the same thing everytime we see each other, but the bottom line is we always laugh, and we always enjoy each other's company...even, well...especially at the expense of someone else:)

That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown!


Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, one and all!

As you may have guessed by this surprise post...I'm hopped up on "Christmas Spirit" or in layman's terms...pain killers and muscle relaxers!! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Christmas morning was awesome-Peggy let us sleep until 9...she had no choice as it was decreed by my father to be so. I love that she still believes in Santa...who doesn't?? She left cookies and milk out for him...and carrots for the reindeer that they pretty much ignored. I think after hauling all that shit on the sleigh, plus the added weight of the fat man...they were interested in more than carrots. I'm pretty sure I saw one of them scratching at my window with it's hoof last night...but maybe that's just me.

Thanks for all of your well wishes, and Lifetime movie synopses (is that a word?? Who are you...who am I??). I'm on my way to go see my grandmother in the hospital (for those of you who don't know she underwent surgery this week for lung cancer). She's doing well, for 82 she's a fighter! So I'm going to limp my arse in to see her, and then we are off to my aunt's for Christmas dinner.

So, peace be with all of you on this holiest of days...

On Dasher, and Dancer, and Prancer, and Oxycontin...On Comet, and Cupid, and Donder, and Vicodin!!

Peace y'all!! MERRY MERRY!!


vicadin: breakfast of champions

hey everyone, sorry there have been no posts since the damon debauchle! i've somehow managed to have spasms in my back for the last 3 days...and i can barely type-let alone sit up to do so! i will make good on the remainder of my christmas movies-i was saving the best for last so thanks Liz for spoiling it. the rest should be good, especially if under the influence of my new favorite vitamin")

i have to run...well...find someplace to lie down...

see how i suffer for the good of you all?!?!

merry christmas everyone


Judas, thy new name is Damon

Forget calling him Jesus, the savior of the Red Sox...Johnny Damon has been officially redubbed with the moniker "JUDAS."

There are a gazillion expletives I could (and want to use) right now, but alas, this is a family blog so I won't. Understand though, listening to the radio reports this morning, I was less than pleased with the news of Damon's departure from my beloved Boston Red Sox to the Evil and Tacky New York Yankees. Driving into work, no less than fifteen people saw my Red Sox plates, beeped the horn, and made the "hands raised, shoulders shrugged, shaking heads, sad face" gestures at me. It was tough news to hear, especially hearing that an HOUR AFTER the deal was complete Larry Lucchino told the news media that "the Red Sox are still in deep negotiations with Johnny Damon." You're in deep all right.

I'm most curious to see how Damon handles his trademark hair and beard. I believe it is mandatory to show little to no facial hair (save Gary Sheffield's rockin' pencil stache, and Giambi's 5 o'clock shadow...but he can't help it...the hair growth is a side effect of the 'roids), the Yankees must be clean cut. Yeah, tell that to Jeter's latest conquest when she goes to get his/her next "prescription." Damon Disciples all over Red Sox Nation are burning their own Johnny style beards in effigy this very second. They're flocking to CVS in hordes to purchase shaving cream and razors to lose all unity with "he who shall not be named." That rat bastard. (Oops...sorry kids!)

Truthfully, I've never been that fond of Damon. Sure, I felt bad when he got hit in the noggin...all those times. I've been skeptical since they used his kid's reactions as media strategy to make him more likeable after the injury. I mean, as a player, yes, I'm definitely perturbed to see him go. Damon as an interview subject was priceless; I'm outraged that I shall never hear the phrase "and um" repeated mid-sentence (and sometimes mid-syllable!). What I'm saying is I never really warmed up to Damon personally, the way so many others did. As many of you know, I love the game of baseball . Some say that I'm a little "obsessed" with certain baseball personalities. Christ, I say that I'm obsessed with who am I to tell anyone they are wrong? Being a fan of the Boston Red Sox, history has shown that many fans have taken personal kinships to players. My oldest friend in the world is married, has a lovely husband whom she adores. She also calls Jason Varitek her husband and keeps a giant cardboard cut out of him in her living room (it's awesome...the thighs are almost scale!). She even adorned "c-board V-tek" with a Santa hat for a recent get together she hosted. We love the Sox. We treat them like family members, and good friends. We become so invested in their lives (and by "we" I mean all of Red Sox Nation), that we do get upset when one is suddenly gone. Moreover, we get pissed when they leave and go to the Yankees. But hold on kids, do you remember just 2 years ago what it was like to be a Red Sox fan? The angst, the plight, the heartache, the suffering. Turmoil, and upset stomachs are part of what defines us as members of Red Sox Nation. It's part of the official licensing exam to have high blood pressure. The team that finally won the World Series made us jubilant because we felt like we knew them...they had rewarded us for years and years of absolute disappointment. Tears of pain were replaced with tears of joy, happily shed by young and old. But the team changed, I've spoken of it before. It wasn't one person who won the World was a group. But once several key players left (Pedro, D-Lowe, Cabby) the team dynamic was not the same.

We face a new season every year. We face hope of opportunity WITH new faces every year. Six months from now we'll see Johnny Damon at Fenway playing for the Yankees, and we'll boo him...and it will be fun. A year from now we may be saying "Johnny Who?" Who cares?! As adverse as I was to see Nomar leave (tear), I fully admit that it was the right thing to do. All we can do is sit back and watch to see how Lucchino f's up the rest of the team while he's off in his own little "thinking he's the czar of all things Red Sox" world. It's all part of the drama that secretly we all crave. It wouldn't be a true Red Sox season without a little smidge of it! Donald Trump could make a version of the Apprentice with the team and we'd all be captivated (and if you do Donald, I get royalties for thinking it up!!). He may have to in order to get us a shortstop and a centerfielder now!! We're awestruck when Bob Lobel has something to say about how Curt Schilling ties his shoes for crying out loud. Bottom line, we care about the team. If Johnny Damon found it not only necessary to leave, but to leave to go to the Yankees, he did it with sheer contempt and hatred toward the Red Sox fans. He is out for no one but himself (and his trampy wife that he left the mother of his kids for), and all that should show you is that he deserves to be a Yankee more than anyone in the world.

Good luck getting out of Boston, Damon. Come to think of it, he may not need to will be scalping him before he can get to the Mass Pike.

Red Sox fans, here this...Manny may be on the line...Theo may be gone...but we still have Papi and V-Tek!! Put them in your Christmas stocking...


A Rant: in bulletpoint

I have some things to comment on and since I haven't ranted in awhile...sit back and enjoy the ride...

*Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey: I believe this is a plot to have to get married again so they can revive the show "Newlyweds" and enjoy their careers as America's favorite jackass couple.

*Ashlee Simpson passing out: The story changes every day...but how great would it be if she was pregnant. Joe Simpson is a lunatic, and well on his way to being voted "Worst Dad/Manager" since Macauley Culkin's dad took the title from Michael Jackson's own father. He would flip out, but he needs a wake up call...or a swift kick in the ass. I've hated him since I found out he gave his girls "chastity rings" to wear in symbol of their promise to HIM to remain "pure" until marriage. Creepy and Gross!

*Nomar going to the Dodger's: I heard someone call the Dodger's "Boston Red Sox West" the other day. They have Grady and Mueller too...perhaps Theo will don the gorilla suit in L.A.? I called Nomar the other day when all this was going down, the talk of the Yankees 1st base position was upsetting me. When we spoke I told him that the decision was basically up to him, but he would have to deal with the fact that I just couldn't have him in my life if he ever wore the Yankee uniform. It would be the ultimate in shame for him (not just the uniform, but me not talking to him), and I really didn't think that he could use anymore bad press. The big "rescue in the harbor" didn't get enough press...and the millions who read this blog everyday would follow my lead and dismiss him...was it worth it? He agreed and decided to go hang with Grady...he said that hurting me once a year and a half ago was enough for him and he couldn't do it again. Good little puppet.

*"I wish I could quit you!" : Enough on Brokeback Mountain people. It was funny when Nathan Lane did a bit on it for the Today show last week...I even smiled when E!'s The Soup did a sketch on it involving men in gorilla suits and cowboy hats...but Jim Carrey started joking about it this morning again on the Today's just enough. See it or don't...I DON'T CARE!

*Is it a law at Christmas to force tons of chocolate on co-workers and such? Leaving my Nana's the other day she gave me a hunk of fudge as big as a 3 year old. I had to use a dolly to bring it into work...and thus pass on the gift to my employees (one of them has been chipping away at it all it was not unworth the trip!) Meanwhile, my college contact just brought a wreath made entirely of chocolate that weighs so much I nearly dropped to the floor when he handed it to me! Alls I'm sayin' is...give a girl a BREAK (and not a kit-kat break!). Obviously this is a very busy time, so meals are sometimes substituted with whatever is on hand...chocolate santas, wreaths, cookies, crap!! I appreciate the handmade gifts...but do me a huge favor and just give a card...I promise's a much nicer gesture! (Oh, and this will start NEXT year as I've started making cookies for my staff..haha!!)

*Why do people in Maine drive like their driving for NASCAR in the blizzard? Cool, glad you have 4-wheel drive...I wish I did. But here's a story...some dink bombed past me when there was only ONE lane of snow cleared during the last storm. Fine-all the power to you...but where are you going that you have to be in that much of a hurry? Do you have to get the kids to school? Are you late for work? Are you or your wife in labor? Here's the thing...that's NOT COOL! If you have kids in the car, or a pregnant it really worth risking their lives to get to where you're going? If your job can't accept that you are a little late due to traffic...find another job...or contact the better business bureau because you're ridiculous. I'd rather be anywhere than in a car during a blizzard...I'd rather be at my old job locked in an office with the top evil than be in a car during a snowstorm...but I'm NOT going to risk my life or anyone elses to get there. Meanwhile, was it really worth pushing past me and blinking your lights and being an ass when the tow truck had to get you out of the ditch you spun into? WAS IT?

*Why are most college age kids so stupid? How hard of a concept is buying books? When you purchase them online, and we don't charge your card until there in (as CLEARLY stated on the page when you confirm) why do you call me and demand a supplement for your overdraft? You know the money is coming out...don't spend it? It's no ones fault but your own. Believe me, I'd love to blame it on the bank-but the real issue (and I've done it myself) is that you aren't organized and you think you're getting away with some big scandal. And be grown up enough NOT to ask your parents to call on your behalf...seriously...take responsibility and cut the frigging apron strings!

*Is it a universal requirement of every Dunkin' Donuts to have perpetually stupid people? I went this morning to be a good boss and bring coffee for my staff. I had to repeat my order twice, then 3 more times at the window. It wasn't like I was ordering for 20 people, it was 2 teas and a coffee...but for some reason the rocket scientists at DD's couldn't grasp the situation. Oh, and really, seriously, there was NO need of the sideways ponytail on the 38 year old gaptoothed (and I can only assume) woman who brought me my order piece by piece. Just NO need!

*Nip/Tuck is airing a two hour season finale this evening and I CAN'T wait! Allegedly the identity of The Carver will be revealed...I haven't a clue who it is. The people that you think it could be are too obvious...but maybe that's the surprise. I'm sad that it's the season finale because this show is phenominal...but the thing that makes me happy is that season finale means I'm closer to a season premiere for Rescue Me:) I love TV too much...and I really don't care!

*Good news...I found my copy of Napoleon Dynamite. It was hidden in a drawer (who understands how and when I would put something away!!). So fear not, I will be basking in the glow of my television watching many hours of Kip, Nap D, Lafawnduh, and Tina enjoying ham for years to come!

I think that's enough for now...I'm tired and I've still yet to write the Christmas special of the day...only a few left...I know 3 definites...but I don't know...I'm bouncing around some ideas. Hope you are enjoying your days...and nights...

Peace out!


"When I was growing up, if we wanted a Jacuzzi, we had to fart in the tub."

Call me Captain Cavegirl...

So Trading Places is not your traditional holiday lesson, and please don't confuse it for a decorating show where people cry and breakdown because someone ruined the fireplace when they were asked not to touch it. It's really a story that just coincidentally happens during the holidays.

This movie made me a fan of Dan Aykroyd. And yes, I like him better than Tom with it. They were in Dragnet together if that makes any of you Tomfoolery Hanks-hooligans feel any better...and it sucked...but at least they didn't pretend that it didn't:) At any rate, Aykroyd plays Louis Winthorpe (and it's actually pronounced Lewis as in Emmanuel Lewis of Webster fame) a rich guy ready to marry a debutante and live the high life. His plans for champagne wishes and caviar dreams are thwarted by his bosses Randolph and Mortimer Duke. They make a bet that they can make a criminal out of a businessman, and vise versa. Billy Ray Valentine, played skillfully by Eddie Murphy is the counterpart of the experiment. What the brothers don't count on is Billy Ray and Louis "turning the tables" on them.

Reasons to see this movie: Aykroyd and Murphy are brilliant; Murphy does a scene where he talks of the jacuzzi he had as a kid (when they had to fart in the bathtub); Aykroyd basically turns into an indigent and has the best costumes ever seen in film (including a disheveled Santa who gets Christmas ham caught in his beard); the scenes on the train at the end with Aykroyd dressed as a rastafarian; Don Ameche dropping the f-bomb; and of course, some gorilla humor.

Merry New Year!!


Festivus...for the rest of us...

Once upon a time on Seinfeld, many years ago there was a man named Frank Costanza. He was not, what you would say, mild mannered. He was pretty much an oaf. One Christmas he was trying to buy a doll for his son George and when it was discovered it was the "last one," he fought ferociously with a greedy opponent. In the melee, the doll was destroyed. Frank thought there was only one decent thing to do...create a new holiday...Festivus for the rest of us!

Celebrated every December 23rd, it's a family tradition for the Costanzas. There are some traditions, but unlike Christmas there is no particular meal to eat (but the Costanzas like spaghetti). There is also no tree...just an aluminum pole (Costanza was anti-tinsel...very distracting. No tinsel, no problem!). At the feast of Festivus, it is tradition to reveal the Airing of Grievances against other family members. Finally, there is the Feats of Strength, where the head of the family challenges another Festivus celebrant to a match of athletic skill and fortitude. Here is a link to tips and official rules of Festivus for the Rest of us so you may properly enjoy the traditions.

Though not technically a "Christmas" special, it was recently revealed to me that my cousin Lauren's grievance against me was that I hadn't highlighted Festivus on "the blog." I also hear she's upset because Cuddles told me that my outfit today was "so Ra sha sha." (Yeah, don't ask.)

Happy and all...


The Best One...

Alright, everyone knows the story about the little girl who believes in Santa, but her mother doesn't so she doesn't...and then some guy named Chris Kringle comes into their lives and changes the views and the belief of not only them but all of NYC...

This particular one is my favorite because Dylan McDermott is hot and a lot of fun to look at. The adorable kid from Mrs. Doubtfire is the little girl because she was popular when this was made and had a lisp. What's cuter than a lisp at Christmas? At any rate, this poor kid hasn't been seen since...she probably still has the lisp and that's the problem. It's not so cute at the age of 25.

It's still a great story, and I still cry (I do a lot of that with this crap) every time Santa speaks to the deaf girl in sign language. If you have to watch a Miracle on 34th St. you might as well see this one, as I said earlier...Dylan McDermott...yum!

Off to play with the kiddies!! It will be a late post tomorrow...but I resolve there WILL be one!! Stay tuned jerkies!!


A Very Leary Christmas

I told you I enjoy "The Denis."

So, Merry f#%$in' Christmas (link is for the audio cd version available at Amazon) is a new special on Comedy Central hosted by none other than Denis Leary. After trudging through gallons of snow, and driving along assface maniacs this morning...then battling students who wanted to be at the school even less than I did...I figured I needed a nice Christmas themed show to warm the very cockles of my heart. Instead I watched this.

If you haven't seen it already, I highly recommend it. Know this...there is claymation, and the Barenaked Ladies, and to make it real Christmassy...he even throws in a few digs about the Yankees. My personal favorite part is when Morgan Spurlock (of Supersize Me fame) takes on a new quest to watch "A Very Brady Christmas" twice a day, (hhmmmm...has Morgan been reading my blog??) but unlike what he did to McDonald's it actually made me wish I had a copy to watch myself!!


"Lady, your husband ain't dead. He's hiding!"

I know, very pleasant thought for Christmas...but if you've seen The Ref, you'll understand. This movie is ancient, and I know I fell asleep the first time I saw it...but in my defense I had been up since 3 and spent the day in I was entitled to want some shut eye!

I think my favorite person right now is
Denis Leary. As my friend Linda would say: "he's mint." I hope you all caught his Christmas special on Comedy will be highlighted in a later Christmas rant! But for right now you have to deal with The Ref because I'm frigging exhausted.

Basically, Leary takes a family hostage at Christmas, and soon learns to regret it as the family, like most, is not without drama. What's supposed to be a simple heist turns into a night where the bad guy becomes the therapist to the family...but it's he could give a high holy crap. His one liners, per usual, are priceless....his interaction with the mother in-law is especially captivating. So enjoy, there's no
Lenny Clarke...but B.D. Wong is in it's a win win!!

Dear Santa

This was an email I got from Mrs. Theodore...I thought you would all enjoy it...

Dear Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy,Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!Santa

Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa

Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please ! see what you can do? Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa

Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay, I'll set you up with a Barbie. Santa

Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.Love, Susan

Dear Susan,Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa

Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa

Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good luck ! in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa

Dear Santa,I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy

Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa

Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky

Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,

Busted by the Pepsi guy...

So the Pepsi guy was nice enough to donate some tickets to the Portland Pirates games to my store for a buyback raffle...and I was nice enough to greet him with a diet coke on my desk. His reaction was priceless...oh well...he still gave me the loot!!

Today is busy in the store and with news forcasting impending doom and gloom and sleet and freezing rain for tomorrow...I'm possibly going to end up in a hotel for the evening. So without internet access I will do my best to get to a Christmas movie today...I know you're all salivating for the next installment. If Al Roker and my friend Kevin Mannix are correct, then you may have to settle for two-fer tomorrow...but I'll try to get one in before I check in tonight!

Peace, and thanks for reading:) SAFE travels if you're out there braving this ridiculous New England weather that I'm a fool to subject myself to year after year after year after year after year....

Why me...why now??

First...LOOK at have you NOT watched this show??

Why the Nancy Kerrigan rant/whine?? Here's why...Alias has changed it's frigging tune mid-season once a-frigging-gain!! It was slow and not much fun (how could it be sans Vaughn!?), and now that it's been cancelled it's back to it's original greatness.

I almost didn't watch tonight...I's crazy. Please, don't's still me...I was just going through some things. I was going to watch later...I swear. I'm so glad I decided literally last minute to partake in the Alias joy. I found it a sign of true destiny when Katie IM'ed me seconds before the broadcast, and just brief seconds after I'd made the conclusion to watch. Someone was telling me to watch ABC tonight...perhaps my mind is being invaded by untraceable, subliminal messages...and you know what...I really don't care.

The show, though sadly it's timing is way off, is back to it's original glory. They have constructed a storyline that will keep the fans guessing, and never make me doubt whether or not to watch again. I was stunned several times in tonight's show's the beginning of the end...and I've been there since the beginning so I guess now's not the time to give up.

So now you can all breathe a sigh of relief, I've found the light again. I will not doubt, I know this is the end...but I will watch with as much excited anticipation as I have for it's duration.

Weird...there are some guys here and they have a white coat for me...


Drivin' that train...high on Christmas...Tommy Hanks you better watch your speed...

I finally saw The Polar Express last night, and it was very enjoyable. I know that my cousin Allison, who is all of 2 and a half years old, is completely mesmorized by trains and currently this film, thus I felt I should "study up" before my visit this weekend.

Now here's the thing, Tom Hanks (and I know this is going to put people in an uproar-but so be it-no apologies!) drives me CRAZY. Not as much as Tom the Cruise...but he's pretty much up there. I know this is making people jump from their computers and throw the monitor to the floor. If you haven't yet, don' tirades on the rich and famous are not worth the monetary loss of your personal effects. Let me explain, and you don't have to agree with's my opinion and that's why I'm using the blog.

Tom Hanks started a vile virus that is consistently and systematically devouring the comedic male actors of our time. When he won his Oscars, all of a sudden there were actors who had primarily been in comedies now vying for a best actor Oscar. Please, leave the dramatic acting to Denzel and Joaquin. Bill Murray, understand that being funny is your thing...and that Lost in Translation sucked because everyone wanted to see you BE funny. It may have done well in the box office, but there's a reason you didn't get the little gold blew. Jim Carrey...stick to the goofy stuff we actually enjoy seeing. While I agree you were robbed for Man On the Moon...Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was making me wish I had a mind eraser myself. I'm looking forward to Fun With Dick and Jane...but if you ever do something like The Majestic again...we're in a fight. My point what you do funny. Tom Hanks started in comedy, and was successful, and made an equally successful transition to the dramatic as proven by his Oscar wins. Maybe the Academy needs to actually start a category for work in comedy so that comedians can get their dues...but it really shouldn't be about accollades and shiny naked gold men holding should be how you keep your audience happy. And listen up Chevy Chase and Steve Martin...I know you're trying too...I'll not have it!!

Now I am impressed on one hand that Tom Hanks has been able to keep former Bosom Buddies buddy, Peter Scolari in a job when he can. He's put him in roles that are barely visable...but this case he could have been decent and given him a role other than the 30 he did himself!! Richie Cunningham puts his brother in everything...and he really should be barely visable...give Petey a break!! Kudos for adding Steven Tyler as an elf...always a good idea to put a Tyler in your movie...look what happened with Lord of the Rings.

Honestly, other than the plague that is Tom the Hanks sitting over this film, I did enjoy it. I'm a little concerned about the fact that the aforementioned toddler (Allison) is ready to go when the train comes to her house...she's a strong little bugger! There's no way I would go on a train that had that "know it all kid" on it...very annoying. She's so cute though, if she was the one awarded "the first gift" I bet she'd ask for the whole train...and Santa would definitley give it to her because, really, he'd have no choice...she's way too cute to deny!

Off to watch the Grinch!


Breaking News on the Gilmore Front!!

K-obviously I'm a little stir crazy with no Gilmore Girls now for 3 weeks. Sigh. The cliffhanger of Luke having a daughter...why is it a cliffhanger? Does he really think Lorelai is going to be upset considering she has a daughter who's (finally going back!) at Yale! a little nicer to the viewers...give us a real story...make Paris pregnant with Michelle's kid...THAT'S a cliffhanger!!

So in an attempt to find quench my thirst for a Gilmore fix I found this on under a column entitled "Ask Ausiello" (and surprisingly enough it's a guy!!): [my notes are in red...because I can't be expected to leave anything alone]

Rumor has it that since the Palladinos [the Palladinos for you unversed in the art of Gilmore are the creators/writers] have the green light on a new show for next year, this might be the last season for Gilmore Girls. [not a nice rumor...i can't take both Alias and Gilmore Girls going down in the same year...I may not sleep tonight!] Is there any truth to this? [there better not be!!] Are we really not going to get a Season 7? — Jackie [can you believe it...not Mo!!]

Relax. [don't tell me what to do...there's a potential Gilmore crisis on our minds!!]There's little doubt Gilmore will be back in the fall. [PHEW! I WILL sleep tonight!!] Not only is it, like, [really, you want to use "like" in nationally syndicated column..well, okay...if they are still paying you...but my English professor might be fixing to kick your ass] 13 viewers away from eclipsing Smallville as WB's most-watched show [take THAT Reba!!] ,but Lauren Graham and Alexis Bledel are already contracted for a seventh year [will Alexis be investing in some acting classes?] . And guess who's also on board for next season? Scott frakkin' Patterson. [because he's HOT!...but what of Sookie and Lane and Michelle and Kirk and Miss Patty and Sally Struthers and Paris??] That's right; reliable sources tell me his deal just closed. Now, the only question is whether Team Palladino — whose pact expires in May — will be at the helm of what is widely expected to be the show's farewell season. [I'm pretty sure they should hire me to write the show...I'm prepared to give the "Curt Schilling World Series Contract" guarantee...without a doubt my writing would bring more viewers...look at how many people peruse my're really only hurting yourselves by not giving me the pen!] My gut tells me Amy and Dan will be back, albeit in a somewhat reduced capacity since they'll be juggling both GG and their new, as-yet-untitled, Big Apple-based romantic comedy. [Ugh, there are enough "Big Apple based comedies..." I call them "The New York Yankees!!]

Christmas Special Update

Just in case you didn't know:

A Charlie Brown Christmas will be on AGAIN this Friday on ABC.

The Grinch Who Stole Christmas is on Wednesday at 8 on the WB.

Check your local listings:)

update: Frosty the Snowman AND Frosty Returns are on Saturday night on CBS.

I just like to smile, smiling's my favorite!

There aren't a lot of people out there better than Will Ferrell, especially to play a lummox of an elf. "Buddy" snuck into Santa's satchel at an orphanage, and was then raised by elves in the North Pole. Strangely enough, Buddy is HUGE, but is too naive to understand that he's not actually a "natural elf." He goes to New York City to find his dad, and Christmas shenanigans ensue.

This is a relatively new movie, only made in 2003...but has been one of my favorites since the first time I saw it. Peggy actually got mad because I was laughing too loud at the theater. Will Ferrell is just such a goof...from his ridiculous yellow tights, to the Mike Brady-like permed wig he dons. His style of comedy is perfect for this part because it's just so ridiculous to see this huge guy trying to make toys and drinking gallons of maple syrup on spaghetti.

Of course there is the usual Christmas plot twist where it depends on how much people "believe in Santa" to have a happy ending...but it's totally worth the shmultz (and goodness knows I love the shmultz at Christmas) just to enjoy Will Ferrell in one of his only good movies since he left SNL. Old School came out the same year, and he's done some bit parts in other movies that he's mostly uncredited for...but those end up being the best he's done. Yeah, I just went over his resume since leaving SNL, and I stand by the original statement.


A Very Brady Christmas

Oh my God. Please see this movie for Mike's hair alone...and Greg's throw back to 1974 porn moustache...I promise you it's worth it.

A Very Brady Christmas finds our favorite television family years after the show has ended, after Marcia and Jan's double wedding to gross Wally and stuck up Phillip respectively. And please, these marriages are as believable as Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' relationship. Ugh. Be reasonable, like the Marcia we know would ever marry beneath her with someone like Wally...and I thought Jan was supposed to be an old maid like Aunt Jennie!! I digress, so the family reunites for Christmas...everyone but the real Cindy who was replaced with some chick that didn't even look like her. Peter was working for some woman that he was also dating (naughty!!), Greg had his kids at the house so they could raise hell with Marcia and Wally's offspring...meanwhile Wally had lost his wonder how that could happen. What a hump. Bobby had some drama...I think he was doing blow and got kicked out of school or some nonsense...NOO...he dropped out because he wanted to race cars (and subsequently was paralyzed and married MTV Veejay Martha Quinn)...same difference.

The best part of the whole movie was the end when they all sat for dinner and Mike got a call from a work site that there had been structural issues and part of the building collapsed!

Oh, MIKE!!

So he goes, and the family finds out that he's stuck inside the building...suddenly Carol's singing carols to "will" him out of the building. Finally, Mike emerges triumphantly (with his special hard hat to protect his permed wig) from the rubble. Of course it's a Miracle on 34th St. because that's a ridiculous script twist. I still feel bad for the girl who had the part of the reporter and had to utter it...nonsense. So the Brady's have a Very Brady Christmas (and spawn another show that in no way could compete with the original), and Alice sits at the table with her little crutch near her chair and says..."God Bless us, everyone." Haaaa...just really did end (sadly) with the reporter and the stupid comment...but my way is better!!

Psycho Weekend

OK-So last week with the snow was hideous and I really had some good plans that I ended up having to forfeit due to snow and exhaustion!

Friday I was supposed to go to Manch-Vegas and see some old pals (and it turns out I was supposed to go to my cousin Gretchen's which I thought was on Saturday! Woo-hoo double booking!!), but alas the snow was fierce and unfriendly and therefore I stayed home and watched the Dukes of Hazzard movie, which, as a fan of the television show, I have to say was not only a huge disappointment, but unneccessarily vulgar and completely un-funny. In no way did it resemble the original series, it just stole key character names and the use of the General Lee. I'm pissed that I actually spent money and time watching it. If you have not punished yourself and watched it already...please don't even waste time thinking about the possibility of watching garbage.

Saturday I thought I would take it easy and do some shopping and whatnot. I brought Peggy to get her hair cut and the woman took TWO FRIGGING hours!! We walked in at 10 and walked out at horseshit. The best part was I still had to go back for MY appointment a few hours later! So I ended up running a few errands, and then making my way back to Casa de Tarpey at 5pm!! We left the house at 9 flipping 15! So much for an easy day. Oh, and no shopping was done except for my annual winter wiper blade shop...the sad thing is that it really does bring me great idea's like having the first dip in a jar of peanut butter...I love new blades. Wow, I really need a hobby. So I went to dinner with the family, and we all took a ride through town to see the Christmas lights. The Faco family does Christmas...priceless. I watched Mr. & Mrs. Smith with the evil pairing of Angie Jolie and Bradford Pitt. I wanted to hate it...I really did..sorry Jenny was actually pretty decent. A little predictable at times...but I admit that I enjoy gazing upon Pitt for hours...that makes it worth it:)

Sunday, I was supposed to go to Maggie's for her Pampered Chef Open House, but bailed days before in a fit of exhaustion and such. Mary conned me into shopping since I didn't do it the day before. We hit my mother and sister Wal-Mart is Mecca. You drive by and their eyes light up...I swear my sister froths a little at the mouth. No matter what degenerate neighborhood we're in...they see those blue and gray walls and it's holier than church. I'm a Target girl myself...but I don't salivate over it. The trip was unsuccessful in that I didn't get what I went there for...but did pick up a few things I "needed" and managed to drop 30 bills. There you go're killing me.

Oh, and I know today is Monday and it's not the weekend...but I really wish you could have seen me stuck in a snow bank this afternoon after my bank run. I ended up under the car trying to push snow out from underneath the tires...thank God my office is a sauna because I was drenched. Don't ask me how I got in the snow bank by the way, just know that Friday I had to be helped out by facilities...and the same guy helped me today and just laughed at me. Happy freaking Monday!


"I can't put my arms DOWN!"

"Randy lay there like a slug, it was his only defense."

I defy you to find a Christmas movie that is in any way superior (besides National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation) to A Christmas Story. I remember being at my friend Jenny's house for her sleepover birthday party when I went to Lady Isle (a now defunct Catholic School) and snickering at what I considered "adult humor" in this movie. I didn't even tell my parents I saw it, until the next year at Thanksgiving when my cousins showed it at their house, for fear of getting "busted."

Now it's a staple in our house. In fact, last year when we were in Florida, as soon as we got to the condo we were staying in, my brother and I immediately found it during it's 24 hour marathon run on TNT. This movie NEVER gets old. I watched it again tonight just because it was on. Last night on the way home from dinner we were quoting really just never gets old. I literally can sit for hours on end listening to Ralphie beg everyone he knows for the precious Red Rider BB gun, and get told time and time again "You'll shoot your eye out, kid!" Who doesn't love seeing him have to suit up in that bunny costume that Aunt Clara makes him, or rather hear Randy just laugh at him vicously when he appears at the foot of the stairs in it? We all cheer for Ralphie when he kicks the crap out of Scut Farkus, and love our mothers a little bit more when she covers for him with "the Old Man." Obviously one of the most memorable moments is Ralphie's utterance of the "queen mother of dirty words." Oh FUUUHH-DGE. Yeah, okay.

From the degenerate Santa Claus, to the goggled child that "likes the Wizard of Oz," to the "chinese turkey" that smiles at the old man...this is one of the greatest family Christmas stories ever told. It's format inspired the television show The Wonder Years, and according to E! True Hollywood Stories the kid that played Flick is doing farely well in his chosen career now. Ralphie even appeared on Punky Brewster once as a shoplifter in the mall (sadly I remember that!) thankfully everyone seems to be doing well even now.

I'm sure you won't forget to watch this season, but if you have missed it somehow in the last few years, take a few hours and watch it again. Remember the first time you saw it, and the eleventy-thousandth time you saw it. If you don't laugh at least once, or at least 47 times...then you have issues and you need some serious comedic therapy.


Christmas Eve on Sesame Street

Here's a true story, those of you who know and love me have probably heard it before...and are thoroughly disgusted...those of you who don't know me...well, sit back and enjoy.

The year after I graduated from college was pretty tough. It was a huge change (though I was living just down the street from the college!), and a lot had been going on personally for me. We had lost some family members, others were ill, we had lost some good just wasn't the greatest year. I was would have been too living with the lot I was. At any rate, I decided to brave the mall and do some Christmas shopping. I was looking forward to a nice time at home with my family. I was in this store that had all sorts of things a teacher could buy for bulletin boards and educational store. I was walking around and I heard Sesame Street playing on the TV toward the back of the store. However, they were showing Christmas Eve on Sesame Street, a special I had loved as a child and hadn't seen in years. So I start watching, and Mr. Hooper shows up (he ran the little grocery store on Sesame Street but passed away and now hardly anyone knows who he is) on the screen and I start to remember the scenario. Bert and Ernie have pulled a "gift of the Magi." Bert wanted to get Ernie a soap dish for Rubber Duckie, so he traded Mr. Hooper his prized paperclip collection. Ernie wanted to get a cigar box for Bert to put his paperclip collection in, and bartered Rubber Duckie to Mr. Hooper for it. So as they give each other their gifts, and don't reveal that the things they were meant for actually paid for the gifts they exchanged, Mr. Hooper shows up and gives them their gifts which are the paperclip collection and Rubber Duckie. He talks of the true meaning of Christmas...yada yada yada. So here's where my story gets embarrassing...a clerk comes up to me...with a box of tissues...because I'm absolutely wailing crying in the back of this store. I'm not kidding...buckets. I couldn't even talk...I was mortified. I grabbed one of the videos off the rack and a handful of tissues and went to cash out. Poor thing, she couldn't wait to get rid of me. I heard some kid go "Is that lady alright?" And I just started laughing uncontrollably...they had to have thought I was completely insane...or completely high.

I still have the video and watch it every year...after all, I didn't just invest money in it...but pride and ego. I started watching it a few weeks ago with my little cousin Allie when she came to visit. I had to shut it off because I started welling up and I didn't want to freak her out by crying at Sesame Street!


But the children say he could laugh and play just the same as you and me...

Sorry kids, I'm a little tired this evening so this will be short (I know you all look forward to my epic commentary...but I've spent 5 hours collectively in my little focus today and I'm beat...the Maine Turnpike Authority bites!)

So the story goes that Frosty is a snowman that is magic and can run with the best of them. If climate control wasn't an issue, I'm pretty sure he could take Lance Armstrong in the next Tour de France...granted with pollution being a problem, and rogue dogs using the snow as a potty then he'd need quite the chemist to filter out any suspicions of illegal substances. Anyhoo...he befriends a little girl named Karen, it's getting warmer, she takes him to the North Pole to find Santa, it's too cold for her, Frosty sacrifices his life for her by getting her to a random green house in the middle of Antarctica (totally believeable!) , he melts, Santa's magic brings him back, and everyone lives happily ever after. Got it? Great...I need to go find my corn cob pipe!!

Merry Birthday!!

I have two important people to wish a happy birthday to today!!

First, my cousin Lauren! She's a huge Bon Jovi fan and is lucky enough to be enjoying the rhapsody of the Jovi this evening!! And don't let her fan-dom of the only still existant 80's hair band fool you, she's also a regular viewer of
Little House on the Prairie re-runs. My girl loves her some Isaiah Edwards! Honestly, I've never seen anything like it...before she found the essence of "Jovi," her room was plastered with photos of Victor French...weird...but kind of sweet! Haha:) Lauren is also the mom of my cousin Allie (future firefighter, deep sea fisherwoman, and princess), and my Goddaughter Caroline:) She deserves an awesome birthday-so everyone wish her one!!

The other, is my buddy Kaitlyn who was actually one of my residents when I was an RA at Saint A's. I have many fond memories of late night prank phone calls to random rooms, hours of watching
Fargo (then pranking people like we were cast members of Fargo), and lots of laughs probably at the expense of people who still have no idea it was us pranking them. We were pretty good, in fact we turned the tables on a few boys we terrorized when they ratted us out to their RA. The RA got on the phone and demanded an apology, I got on the phone and told him it was his guys that had been calling my "poor, defenseless girls and scaring them out of thier wits." I was convincing, and the boys got scolded while we listened on the phone. Senseless? Brutal? Probably...but in the spirit of fun...a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do:)
By the way...that other guy is Mike Yanagita from Fargo...I called him for your birthday...he's "so lonely!!"

Happy Birthday, chicas!!


Rudolph vs. Mean Girls: Pop culture Christmas Fave or Prequel to Modern Cinematic Features with Focus on Teenage Angst in Society?

You know Dasher and Dancer, and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid, and Donner (or Donder...who really knows) and Blitzen...but do you recall...the most famous (and probably the one that requires many hours of therapy) reindeer of all?

You all know the story of Rudolph, so I won't get into the plot too much. Have you ever REALLY watched this show? Year after year I do, and I have to tell you...I watched it the other night...and then I watched Mean Girls...and I think Mean Girls was actually based on this story!

And I'm not ripping off my cousin Nancy's post from the other day!

Now bare with me...Rudolph is obviously Cady (Lindsey Lohan). He's the new kid that just wants to fit in and play reindeer games, but the other reindeer ("the plastics") won't let him because he is different: he has a red nose...Cady's deemed "impaired" because she was home schooled in Africa and doesn't know anything about fashion. Cady wants to impress the Queen of the Plastics...Regina George, just as Rudolph wants to impress the King of Christmas...Santa Claus. (Coincidentally, BOTH Regina and Santa have eating disorders..."Eat, Papa...EAT!! No one wants a skinny Santa!!" Weird, right?)

Rudolph/Cady have their each case "the misfits." Cady almost loses her identity when she loses sight of the initial mission, and almost loses out on the people that made way for her when she was new. Rudolph did the wrong thing and ran away, thinking he was embarrassing his family and endangering his friends...what he didn't know was that it was more of an upset for him to leave them in the first place. Even though both characters want desperately to fit in, the end of the story is always the same you don't have to be the most popular kid at school to be a part of a good group. Generally the friends you do find are the ones that fit you best, and make a positive difference in your life.

Bottom Line, both are just kids tryng to "fit in" and make their way in a perpetually pretentious society that is devoted to what you have, what you don't have, and what you look like. It's unfortunate that this is the world we continue to live in...the theme is as common today as it was before Rudolph sprouted antlers. Don't be that person that changes yourself just to fit in with "the popular crowd." It just makes them feel stronger if you allow them to have that classification. Be you, as you are...Be happy, as you are. Remember the next time some new kid comes to school (or work, whatever) to take advantage of this amazing opportunity to be their "misfit friend." And if the guy has a giant red nose that lights up and makes a weird noise...let him play the stupid reindeer know what they say about guys with giant red noses that light up right?? They use a LOT of kleenex;)