Judas, thy new name is Damon

Forget calling him Jesus, the savior of the Red Sox...Johnny Damon has been officially redubbed with the moniker "JUDAS."

There are a gazillion expletives I could (and want to use) right now, but alas, this is a family blog so I won't. Understand though, listening to the radio reports this morning, I was less than pleased with the news of Damon's departure from my beloved Boston Red Sox to the Evil and Tacky New York Yankees. Driving into work, no less than fifteen people saw my Red Sox plates, beeped the horn, and made the "hands raised, shoulders shrugged, shaking heads, sad face" gestures at me. It was tough news to hear, especially hearing that an HOUR AFTER the deal was complete Larry Lucchino told the news media that "the Red Sox are still in deep negotiations with Johnny Damon." You're in deep all right.

I'm most curious to see how Damon handles his trademark hair and beard. I believe it is mandatory to show little to no facial hair (save Gary Sheffield's rockin' pencil stache, and Giambi's 5 o'clock shadow...but he can't help it...the hair growth is a side effect of the 'roids), the Yankees must be clean cut. Yeah, tell that to Jeter's latest conquest when she goes to get his/her next "prescription." Damon Disciples all over Red Sox Nation are burning their own Johnny style beards in effigy this very second. They're flocking to CVS in hordes to purchase shaving cream and razors to lose all unity with "he who shall not be named." That rat bastard. (Oops...sorry kids!)

Truthfully, I've never been that fond of Damon. Sure, I felt bad when he got hit in the noggin...all those times. I've been skeptical since they used his kid's reactions as media strategy to make him more likeable after the injury. I mean, as a player, yes, I'm definitely perturbed to see him go. Damon as an interview subject was priceless; I'm outraged that I shall never hear the phrase "and um" repeated mid-sentence (and sometimes mid-syllable!). What I'm saying is I never really warmed up to Damon personally, the way so many others did. As many of you know, I love the game of baseball . Some say that I'm a little "obsessed" with certain baseball personalities. Christ, I say that I'm obsessed with who am I to tell anyone they are wrong? Being a fan of the Boston Red Sox, history has shown that many fans have taken personal kinships to players. My oldest friend in the world is married, has a lovely husband whom she adores. She also calls Jason Varitek her husband and keeps a giant cardboard cut out of him in her living room (it's awesome...the thighs are almost scale!). She even adorned "c-board V-tek" with a Santa hat for a recent get together she hosted. We love the Sox. We treat them like family members, and good friends. We become so invested in their lives (and by "we" I mean all of Red Sox Nation), that we do get upset when one is suddenly gone. Moreover, we get pissed when they leave and go to the Yankees. But hold on kids, do you remember just 2 years ago what it was like to be a Red Sox fan? The angst, the plight, the heartache, the suffering. Turmoil, and upset stomachs are part of what defines us as members of Red Sox Nation. It's part of the official licensing exam to have high blood pressure. The team that finally won the World Series made us jubilant because we felt like we knew them...they had rewarded us for years and years of absolute disappointment. Tears of pain were replaced with tears of joy, happily shed by young and old. But the team changed, I've spoken of it before. It wasn't one person who won the World was a group. But once several key players left (Pedro, D-Lowe, Cabby) the team dynamic was not the same.

We face a new season every year. We face hope of opportunity WITH new faces every year. Six months from now we'll see Johnny Damon at Fenway playing for the Yankees, and we'll boo him...and it will be fun. A year from now we may be saying "Johnny Who?" Who cares?! As adverse as I was to see Nomar leave (tear), I fully admit that it was the right thing to do. All we can do is sit back and watch to see how Lucchino f's up the rest of the team while he's off in his own little "thinking he's the czar of all things Red Sox" world. It's all part of the drama that secretly we all crave. It wouldn't be a true Red Sox season without a little smidge of it! Donald Trump could make a version of the Apprentice with the team and we'd all be captivated (and if you do Donald, I get royalties for thinking it up!!). He may have to in order to get us a shortstop and a centerfielder now!! We're awestruck when Bob Lobel has something to say about how Curt Schilling ties his shoes for crying out loud. Bottom line, we care about the team. If Johnny Damon found it not only necessary to leave, but to leave to go to the Yankees, he did it with sheer contempt and hatred toward the Red Sox fans. He is out for no one but himself (and his trampy wife that he left the mother of his kids for), and all that should show you is that he deserves to be a Yankee more than anyone in the world.

Good luck getting out of Boston, Damon. Come to think of it, he may not need to will be scalping him before he can get to the Mass Pike.

Red Sox fans, here this...Manny may be on the line...Theo may be gone...but we still have Papi and V-Tek!! Put them in your Christmas stocking...


At 9:53 AM, Blogger Maggie said...

Well put. But I am still sad to see him go. Ever since Theo left I have been feeling nervous, like "who's going to secure our team?" and now I know what's going to happen - Larry's going to try (AHHH!) and it's all down hill from here. Somehow I blame Damon going to the Yankees on the damn Agent Boras. He's almost as bad for the sport at Steinbrenner. Boo!

At 12:49 AM, Anonymous LizFwiz said...

It is killing me that Christmas is near and you have yet to mention RedSkeleton Christmas (we watched it every year as kids, with the hobo) and at the very least that foolish show we were all addicted to:

Motown Merry Christmas (1987) featuring
Desiree Coleman
Natalie Cole
Lola Falana
Redd Foxx
Stephanie Mills
The Pointer Sisters
Smokey Robinson
Run DMC and many more....I hope I didnt ruin the surprise, I hope you weren't saving these for last, but I do hope you mention them.

At 6:50 AM, Blogger JoviFan said...

Has Damon's defection scarred you so deeply that you weren't able to bring yourself to do a movie yesterday? Let's get caught up here, Reesie. As you pointed out, you have millions of faithful followers waiting to hang on your every word. With one fell swoop of the pen (or stroke of the keyboard, as it were), you have the power to make or destroy any film you critique. With your minions awaiting your review of these films, you own Hollywood, baby! And the Lifetime network, too. No Christmas would be complete without Lifetime. Hey, speaking of Lifetime, I'm laying down a big time challenge here. I defy you to find a Christmas film starring one of the 4 cornerstones of Lifetime...Bonnie Bedilia, Patty Duke, Valerie Bertenelli, or Judith Light. Go get it!

At 2:06 PM, Blogger lms129 said...

I think there is a Christmas Lifetime movie starring one of those women. I can't recall the name but it had Judith Light and she played a woman who was victimized by a stalker in a Santa suit, beacame with child from the assault, then gave birth in a hospital where the infant was abducted by Meredith Baxter Birney who was then brought to justice by an attorney played by "Jo" from the Facts of Life. I think it was called "Santa knows what you want and your going to get it".

At 6:28 PM, Anonymous LizFwiz said...

Then the child grew up and was at the mall and Major Dad arrived in a bananna suit and abducted her. She was repeatedly raped. Fortunatley she was spotted at a Gas station by Melissa Gilbert who recognized her and reported it to the police. It took the cops 2 hours to follow the trail, but rescued her anyhow. Then Shelley Winters jumps out of the bushes and stabs the girl to death. But Judith Light falls in love with Aidan Quinn the officer who rescues her and they live happily ever after.

At 10:45 AM, Blogger lms129 said...

Happily ever after until they are all drugged with a date rape drug by Judd Hirsch.

At 2:47 PM, Blogger JoviFan said...

Until Hirsch is confronted by an anorexic woman played by Tracey Gold, one of his previous victims whom he'd left for dead after sexually assaulting her in the woods behind a seedy bar tended by none other than Bruce Boxleitner. Boxletiner's character rescued Gold's character and, unbeknownst to Hirsch, they spend their days, nights and life savings hunting him down. One night, while playing Gin Rummy in the bar after closing hours, they spot a composite sketch of Hirsch's character on the TV and call the local sheriff, played by Tom Skerrit, who eventually makes the arrest and removes the likes of Hirsch from the streets forever!
Now everybody can live happily ever after!

At 3:52 PM, Blogger lms129 said...

Happily ever after until they have a child that is autistic and nobody can "break through" to him except for Mary Louise Parker who is unfortunatley in prison for being wrongly accused of child abuse by Debra Winger and can only be freed by an attorney played by Gabrielle Catieras

At 11:54 AM, Blogger Mo said...

How the HECK does the Johnny Damon rant turn into a Lifetime Movie event??


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