Drama at it's BEST: Little House on the Prairie

So tonight there is nothing on...no Alias...Lost is a repeat...Martha Stewart's Apprentice is over...what's a TV addict to do?? TV Land came to my rescue with a dazzling episode of Little House goodness.

The episode was called "The Odyssey." It centered around a character named Dillon, who you know has to be killed off in some way by some awful disease because we've never seen him before but he's best friends with Albert and Laura. Apparently it's Law on the Prairie for children to die of a dispicable illness while their parent (because the other one is usually dead already) has to suffer watching their child die. What actually happens is WE suffer watching the horrible acting the parent displays when they find out the child is sick. The dialogue goes something like this:

Doc Baker: I thought your child had the flu, but after administering many tests which I will charge you for after we've buried him, I find that it's not the flu...it's Cloddhoppediverticutosis.

(shoot to the parent who cringes like Doc Baker just ripped a juicy one right in their face and waved it around a bit)
Parent: You must be mistaken, if I take him to Oleson's Mercantile and make a solvent of licorice, turpentine, and mustard...surely he will be cured.

Doc Baker: I'm afraid I've tried that already, he'll need to rinse off in the river on the way home or the stench will kill him quicker.

Parent: But he's just a boy...

Doc Baker: I know, I remember when I delivered him...I celebrated with a quart of moonshine I finagled from my old friend Jesse Duke in Hazzard County.

Parent: But that's a completely different television program!!

Doc Baker: Why you're correct, must be the booze talking. However, it doesn't change the fact that he is gravely ill and will die within this episode. **please see endnote after text**

Yeah, so of course this show had all that...BUT...Charles had to be involved in some way...it's his show...be reasonable! So all this kid Dillon wants is to see the ocean, as he promised his father he would before he died. Dillon, Albert, and Laura take off for Cali...and end up in the thick of some mighty fine television. First they leave a note for Pa to find...wrapped in Carrie's present for her birthday. That stupid kid. She's got maybe 3 lines in the whole series...never has a real storyline because she's too normal to compete with blind Mary, buck-toothed Laura and her gallavanting with Almonso, or Albert...who believe it or not...wonder of wonders...becomes terminally ill later in the series as well. So she starts reading the note, and the threesome are discovered and saught after by Pa...who rents a fast horse and meets up with them at a train station somewhere between Walnut Grove and Cali. Amazing how he came upon the same drifter that got the kids on the box car of the train. It's like an angel was watching over them...or the writer's knew they needed to wrap it up in an hour. Meanwhile, on the train...a bum ends up in the same car as the kids. First he steals all their sandwiches, then attacks Albert and tries to throw him off the train! Laura fights for her brother's life...and pushes the jerk off the train...PUSHES HIM OFF THE TRAIN. Laura has probably just commited murder...and she doesn't think twice about it!! So after getting booted off the train, the kids are found by Charles...just to sneak back on the train...against Pa's better judgement...but come on...one look in Dillon's eyes (he's gone from being fine to being pale and coughing up a lung) and he knows it's the only way. Charles has shown his masterful horseriding abilities...but now it's time to kick it up a notch...Pa style. The guy who booted the kids off the train in the first place, finds them again (because Albert just stole breakfast after he walked on the top of the train like he was training for Mission Impossible) and again tries to give them the heave ho. Sorry pal, this isn't your day...Charles needs to show you and the television audience he's a real man...so he kicks the shite out of you and tells you that he will reimburse the train for the meal Albert made off with. The guy, sullen and bloodied...says "ok," and makes his way out of the box car.

We next see our fantastic four coming out of a mission where they enjoyed some soup. They are in San Fran, and the shoreline is only a few miles away...but Dillon is very weak...if only they could finagle a free ride...but how??? Ding ding ding!! Who but William Randolph Hearst (Newspaperman extraordinaire) shows up in his carriage and mentions that he's going out to the shore to look at some property. Pa uses the sick kid routine to hitch a ride, Hearst says "hurry, I haven't much time." To which Pa retorts "Neither does he." I hope the writers got an emmy for this show...granted...there's not a lot of dialogue because it's mostly crying and awkward looks after finding out someone is dying...but this show is brilliant and deserves high praise. They get to the beach, Hearst pays Pa for the story they have shared with him so he can use it in his papers (and thus they have monetary means to return to Walnut Grove...Yessssssssssssssssss!). Charles...reminding the audience he's a compassionate man...carries weakened, dying Dillon to the sand. Dillon opens his eyes...and starts walking to the water...now he's running...wasn't this kid just DYING?? Shot pans to Laura, Albert, and Charles...all soaked in tears. I'm waiting for Dillon to turn and say "You jerks...I just wanted to go to the beach for free...I'm not really sick at all. HAHAHA!!" But alas, he does not. The camera shows him sillhouetted against the sunlight and the gleaming water...and then he jumps up and down and clicks his heels together. No, I'm not kidding about that...he actually clicked his heels like he was going to Oz. There ends yet another triumph in Little House on the Prairie's divine history. Bravo, Michael Landon...Bravo.

If you can...watch tomorrow (Thursday at 8 on TV Land) as the storyline begins of Laura 'becoming a woman' (at 13) and romancing Almonso (age 47) (who she called Manley and I don't understand why), her future husband. Classic awkward Little House...can't wait!!

**endnote: I haven't taken any drugs stronger than ibuprofen today...this, you should know, is all me...sober...and out of my mind:) aww...you wouldn't read this if i wasn't!!