A "Sweet" Housewarming Treat!

After a pretty miserable morning at the dentist (and a wallet draining one at that!), I came home to find the UPS man left me a little love note on the door. He missed me! Mostly because I wasn't there...and he wanted to give me a present. Wow, this just took a weird and unnecessary turn! So I went to the office to pick up my package and the lady asked me if I'd ordered anything from m&m's? I was all..."no." She then asked if it was my birthday. I was all "no." I don't get the interrogation...just give me my stuff!! So, she comes out with this ginourmous box with colorful m&m's all over it...oooh...pretty. (I'm so easily amused!) Then she wants me to open it in front of her...she's a little pushy...but I oblige because I want to rub in the fact that I got a present...nah nah nah boo boo! (I've matured SO much this year!) I unwrap this adorable Red Sox emblazoned m&m dispenser/coin bank! And along with it...3 packages of Red Sox m&m's!! Way too cute to consume...and luckily...anyone who tries to has to pay the toll! Sure, there are directions for just getting the superfan candy free...but the only ones who will enjoy the Red Sox m&m goodness sans a penny would be those who provided them in the first place!! So I'd like to give a warm and sincere THANK YOU to Drew, Allison, and my little buddy, Eva for this very thoughtful gift! I'm very blessed to count you as friends!! I can't wait to see you all next month!!

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Thank you for being a friend...

Cheesy line...I agree...but the only lead in I thought was appropriate for the occasion. As you must know by know Estelle Getty, known for playing the cantankerous Sophia Petrillo on The Golden Girls passed earlier this week. On Friday, Lifetime will be honoring her memory with a "marathon" of Sophia episodes. I put "marathon" in quotation marks because it's in the middle of a work day and it only runs for 5 hours. starts at noon...check your local listings. Also, you can vote for your favorite Sophia episode here. That will be chosen as the "viewer favorite" and will be the final one to air.

: When is old lady Claxton's funeral? I want to pay my respects
Dorothy: Pay your respects? I thought you hated her
Sophia: I did. But when a person dies you go to their funeral to show the man upstairs you have respect for human life, no matter how wretched it was. Any idiot knows that.
Rose: I knew that.
Sophia: See?

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What's the happs...?

My "vacationus interruptus" ended today. Translation: I left vacation to come back and work Orientation. I'm awesome and dedicated. Where's my raise? Orientation is now over and I can commence in the joy of not working again. Love it! I venture out for part deux of vacation...I thought since I'm on a roll blogging this week (two days in a row!! wooo!!) I'd give you a few tidbits to chew on whilst I'm burning on the Beach of Cocoa. I better be burning anyway...the does not look good.

a) Since I've moved to Florida I've become reacquainted with my good friends from Salem via "Days of Our Lives." Maybe obsessed is a better word. It all started when I was living in the Casa De Crap hotel. I found it one day...saw that "Patch/Steve" was back...they showed some clips that made me feel really old because...sigh...I remember when they originally aired. Seriously, like I remember being enamored with the giant bangs and floral print Mormon style frocks they wore on the show. Such style! THEN, they threw in a twist of a plane crash...brutal. It took 2 weeks for the plane to actually hit the ground from when they first experienced issues...but that's all in soap time anyway. I'd go from laughing at the consistently poor acting, to (yep, I'm admitting it) a face soaked with tears when Grampa Shawn his family could live...a point they re-iterated for the following 4 months over and over and over again. Writer's strike...whaaaat? John Black has had his memory Stefano...again. This time it's for keepers. John is not the nice guy everyone knows him to be anymore...which just means he gets to act weirder, creepier, and can once again pull off his patented "smell the fart" acting. Solid. My favorite "twist" thus far is the relationship between Max Brady and his girlfriend Stephanie. Some of my friends know the issue I have with this...but you be the judge. Maybe I'm just being a prude...but I'm going to say I'm ok with that. See...Max is the adopted brother of Kayla Brady Johnson...Stephanie's mom. Seriously, I don't care that he's adopted and they aren't blood related...they are Uncle and Niece and that's just too weird. AND it's the second of his niece's that he's dated. Say it with me people....NOOOOO! I'm telling you, start to Tivo or DVR this classic program. The acting is GOD-awful...but at least it remains consistent. Oh, and I tried to get back into Guiding Light...but Reva was wearing the same outfit as someone on The Girls Next Door would wear and Josh is now a "man of the cloth." Again...all together now...NOOOOOO!!

2) I know you all know that I pledge allegiance to the United Bliss of Bare Escentuals. However, I just can't get down with their mascara choices. Sorry, Leslie...but I have to tell the truth! I kind of like the "weather everything," but it's a pain in the arse to get off at night. All the other ones I find that I'm wearing under my eyes at the end of the day. I need a mascara that will not make me look like I've "gone rounds" especially when Jose Cuervo was not even involved. So, one day I'm watching TV (surprise!) and Eva Longoria tells me that she's using L'Oreal's Voluminous mascara AND that it "doesn't flake off." I've got no reason to doubt Ms. Longoria-Parker. I mean, she did "date" JC Chasez at one time. Seriously. No seriously...stop laughing!!! Anyhoo...magically at Target, that brand was on I've tried it and I'm telling you now that it's the best mascara I've used. Seriously, I'm sharing the info with the world because you should all know. I've had my eyelashes dyed in the past, and I felt that was a stupid decision. It hurt way too much to be worth it...EVER. And I just don't think my lashes ever recovered from the "trauma." If I'm investing the time and money in the shadows that I'm using...I want a mascara that's going to highlight the achievement! I'm sick of trying to pry clumped lashes from each's weird and I just don't like it. So if you are ever so inclined to try Voluminous I think you should. Then you can feel pretty! Drewbie...I know that you don't use mascara...well, I don't "know" that...but if you ever feel so judgement...just try Voluminous and you won't be disappointed. Allison might be...but that's something you would have to work out...and I'll be here for you both:)

d) I've actually gotten away from the TV this summer! I know!!!!! You're shocked and a little freaked right?!?! I can hardly believe it my damn self!! Brace yourselves, peeps...I've been...READING!! Actual books!! Not just magazines and online gossip about Madonna and A-Rod (scumbag)!

When my friend Nikki came to visit last month she told me about Charlaine Harris and her Southern vampire mystery novels. I had a gift card from B&N (shhhh!) and purchased the first 3 of the series. Nikki and I have a lot of common I trusted her judgment and recommendation. OF COURSE, she was right. The first book, Dead Until Dark, was creepy and funny, and I couldn't put it down. I read to day that the series will be on TV in the fall on's called True Blood. Guess who's gonna have to get HBO? Seriously, I need an intervention! I was very excited to read the second installation, but in the store we got a book for our Bestseller display entitled "Such a Pretty Fat," by Jen Lancaster. Without doubt the funniest book I have ever read. It's a memoir of the author's attempt to lose weight. Every page I read made me want to be friends with this woman. I legitimately laughed out loud throughout the book. Several of my friends went out and bought it too and now we've moved on to (at least I have) one of Lancaster's previous books "Bitter is the New Black." To us, Lancaster is "the new Black." Seriously, I cannot emphasize enough how brutally funny this book is. Reading it your head will hurt from laughing, and your neck will hurt from all the nodding in agreement. It's a literal instance of "it's funny because it's true." Invest in some Depends undergarments...I'm just saying...

@) Are you more shocked that I actually read two books this summer and we're only mid-way through July (I only work in a bookstore...pssh...whatever!)...or that I went on for 2 whole paragraphs about mascara and Days of Our Lives? Yes, I'm a mess...but that's what keeps you reading:)

PS) all MUST watch Bridezillas on WE. It's on Sundays at 9pm Eastern. Last week's episode will be repeated at 8pm on this Sunday. YOU MUST WATCH. Must is not a "guideline" or "suggestion," it is a demand. I think last week's episode was my favorite of all time. If you saw it...was "Irony Cam" not one of the greatest things ever on this show!? If you haven't...I promise you "guffaws" of laughter. If you do not laugh I cannot be responsible for the fact you have no sense of humor.

PPS) At orientation today I saw a kid with a Red Sox hat. All red, fitted. His ensemble was a white t-shirt and blue jeans. I asked if he was from Boston and he said "No, I'm not even a fan...I just wore this cuz it matched."

Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me? Yes, while I agree that all fashion should include Red Sox paraphernalia as everyone should love the Sox with all their this point that hasn't been declared a law yet...regardless of how I feel. I think you should have to at least like the Red Sox to wear their I right? Meh. Happy All-Star Break!

Alright, no more procrastination...the dryer just ended and I must finish packing so I can "go Cocoa" tomorrow!

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Even I'm not this bad...

photo from
Ok...I heart the Gilmore Girls...but not enough to risk my life (or anyone else's) for them. Some lady was pulled over in Maine ( was NOT me...I've been a "Floridian" for quite some time now!) because she was trying to stay awake by watching episodes of GG on her laptop. The GG's wouldn't even do that. Rory would have books on cd...Lorelai would be blasting The Bangles or something...but watching TV while driving...just wouldn't happen in Gilmore Land...Kirk might have done it. But he's not a it doesn't count.

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"You put your weed in there..."

That is a reference to a Saturday Night Live Skit featuring Christian Slater. It was in the Chris Farley days...and the show was good. We had this episode on tape and watched it constantly in college. For those of you who are reading this asking "who's Christian Slater?": Shame on you. Seriously...give me your name. You'll go on the list. Also, if you can ever see the Jason Priestly episode when they pretend to be the New Kids on Arsenio Hall...classic episode. ("It's whicked haahd to sing and dance at the same time!") Chris Farley era again...and he figure skates. God Bless him.

So, I had to do a presentation at work today. Always fun getting up in front of a crowd of bored to death people. Even better was the dick that went before me took out my "already set up because I got there an hour early" jump drive with my presentation on it. Did I mention "said Dick" didn't know that you had to remove it "safely," and thus corrupted my presentation? Fan-frigging-tastic. Well, on the way to the presentation that I arrived an hour early for...I spotted some debris on the sidewalk. Being a model citizen, and caring about the earth as I do (and considering it wasn't slimy) I picked it up with the intention of disposing it in the conveniently placed garbage can only a few feet away. When I picked it up I realized, low and behold, this wasn't debris that was thrown away on purpose. Some jerk dropped their dime bag. Unreal. So now, I'm walking over to the presentation with illegal drugs. Awesome! I call Security...this is the conversation...

Them: "Security."

Me: "Hi this is Maureen...I'm on my way to present to a gym full of parents and would like someone to meet me and take the marijuana I just found."

Them: "What?"

Me: "I found some marijuana and I'd feel a lot more comfortable if someone would come and pick it up from me so it doesn't go flying out of my portfolio when I'm demonstrating the best way to order books online. Thanks."

Them: "REALLY??? How much??"

Me: "Really what? Really I found it...or really I'm ready for someone from Security to come take it? Or really that I'm standing outside in the sweltering heat and sweat is dripping into my eyeballs even though I have to make a presentation in 10 minutes while you ask questions?" (**sidenote: I got there when I was told and didn't get on stage until an hour later. Not cool. Look for them on the list!)

Them: "How do you know it's marijuana?"

Me: "Do you really need my resume? Do you want to know how many Cheech and Chong movies I've seen in my lifetime...or will past experience working in ResLife help me here? Oh, a couple of my friends in college were stoners...I much prefer the booze so I stayed away from smoking. I much prefer abusing my liver to my lungs. But at some point in my 29.4 years I did learn how to identify it. That, and it's in a little plastic baggie with pot leaves on the side. I think that was kind of the distibutor don't you? That way some little kid that could have found it on the sidewalk would have known that it was bad and to not smoke it or ask his mommy to put it in brownies."

Them: "Wow."

Me: "Was it yours? Seriously, I've got about 3 minutes to get inside and make an ass of myself...could someone come get it?"

Them: "Oh yeah, where are you?"

Me: "I'm at the Gym."

Them: "Where?"

Me: "The Gym...seriously...might it be yours?"

So finally the director shows up and takes it from me. I've met this woman a dozen times (she's ripped up several to many parking tickets for me in the brief time I've worked here...I'm sorry...but if NO ONE is on campus then one hour parking should not be enforced. That's an argument for another day.) and she still can't remember my identity. That just tells me I can keep parking where I want! (NEVER in handicapped spots though...that ain't cool.) She thanks me and rides off on the Golf Cart of Justice with the baggie clenched tight between her two hands. Dude, it's's not diamonds. Don't worry-she wasn't driving. I think her chauffer was the Gorton's Fisherman...or at least he had the beard.

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