"You put your weed in there..."

That is a reference to a Saturday Night Live Skit featuring Christian Slater. It was in the Chris Farley days...and the show was good. We had this episode on tape and watched it constantly in college. For those of you who are reading this asking "who's Christian Slater?": Shame on you. Seriously...give me your name. You'll go on the list. Also, if you can ever see the Jason Priestly episode when they pretend to be the New Kids on Arsenio Hall...classic episode. ("It's whicked haahd to sing and dance at the same time!") Chris Farley era again...and he figure skates. God Bless him.

So, I had to do a presentation at work today. Always fun getting up in front of a crowd of bored to death people. Even better was the dick that went before me took out my "already set up because I got there an hour early" jump drive with my presentation on it. Did I mention "said Dick" didn't know that you had to remove it "safely," and thus corrupted my presentation? Fan-frigging-tastic. Well, on the way to the presentation that I arrived an hour early for...I spotted some debris on the sidewalk. Being a model citizen, and caring about the earth as I do (and considering it wasn't slimy) I picked it up with the intention of disposing it in the conveniently placed garbage can only a few feet away. When I picked it up I realized, low and behold, this wasn't debris that was thrown away on purpose. Some jerk dropped their dime bag. Unreal. So now, I'm walking over to the presentation with illegal drugs. Awesome! I call Security...this is the conversation...

Them: "Security."

Me: "Hi this is Maureen...I'm on my way to present to a gym full of parents and would like someone to meet me and take the marijuana I just found."

Them: "What?"

Me: "I found some marijuana and I'd feel a lot more comfortable if someone would come and pick it up from me so it doesn't go flying out of my portfolio when I'm demonstrating the best way to order books online. Thanks."

Them: "REALLY??? How much??"

Me: "Really what? Really I found it...or really I'm ready for someone from Security to come take it? Or really that I'm standing outside in the sweltering heat and sweat is dripping into my eyeballs even though I have to make a presentation in 10 minutes while you ask questions?" (**sidenote: I got there when I was told and didn't get on stage until an hour later. Not cool. Look for them on the list!)

Them: "How do you know it's marijuana?"

Me: "Do you really need my resume? Do you want to know how many Cheech and Chong movies I've seen in my lifetime...or will past experience working in ResLife help me here? Oh, a couple of my friends in college were stoners...I much prefer the booze so I stayed away from smoking. I much prefer abusing my liver to my lungs. But at some point in my 29.4 years I did learn how to identify it. That, and it's in a little plastic baggie with pot leaves on the side. I think that was kind of the distibutor don't you? That way some little kid that could have found it on the sidewalk would have known that it was bad and to not smoke it or ask his mommy to put it in brownies."

Them: "Wow."

Me: "Was it yours? Seriously, I've got about 3 minutes to get inside and make an ass of myself...could someone come get it?"

Them: "Oh yeah, where are you?"

Me: "I'm at the Gym."

Them: "Where?"

Me: "The Gym...seriously...might it be yours?"

So finally the director shows up and takes it from me. I've met this woman a dozen times (she's ripped up several to many parking tickets for me in the brief time I've worked here...I'm sorry...but if NO ONE is on campus then one hour parking should not be enforced. That's an argument for another day.) and she still can't remember my identity. That just tells me I can keep parking where I want! (NEVER in handicapped spots though...that ain't cool.) She thanks me and rides off on the Golf Cart of Justice with the baggie clenched tight between her two hands. Dude, it's weed...it's not diamonds. Don't worry-she wasn't driving. I think her chauffer was the Gorton's Fisherman...or at least he had the beard.